SOS

I can only stand strong and be mindful of and for others for so long… I’m human. I can break and I can need and take time to myself for myself without feeling guilty…Right? This is what I keep drowning out in my head as I try to pretend to by everything everyone I’ve ever encountered in life bestowed on me to be… this all is a weight an unmeasurable amount of weight that I can not escape or be rid of permanently like I want to be. Torn between should I stay and see what will change with him or move on with him since he says he loves me but shows me I’m just a tool. Am I being a good mom to them, am I evil like my momma was and lashing out for the wrong things or am I right for disciplining them…. I pray for a sign that stepping away and for me will be what I need. The fresh start to starting over and finding me and loving me and not having a constant void needing to be filled🤦🏾‍♀️ I wish I could just 📦 this shit all up and throw it in the ocean and never be bothered with any of it again

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WhatIsThisFeeling

Its too pretty of a day to be in yet the thought of having to be around people, strangers gives me tension in my neck and a migraine to accompany it….. the kids are having fun so I gotta fake it a little bit longer….. I think I can do this…

Case of the ex

Definitely my first and should’ve been my all and last but life tumbled it’s way for you and a million for me…let’s keep in touch through the patches and storms that life gifts us with you help me and vice versa common goal being each other’s well being. Would’ve never imagined you’d change it up and be as average and unmeasuring undeserving as any other until you showed me you’ve flipped and turn over different leaves. When you can lie next to me after being graced with the essence of what lies between these thighs and conversate about another👀👀🖕🏽🖕🏽 bwoy you tried it! I ain’t gon trip or lose sleep about it though I’m just fall back in line and sit back in the shadows and make you miss the very smell, taste, feeling and look of all that was almost yours…

-Sincerely,

NeverNoHowNotAgain👋🏾

Literally Cut

Almost 12 hrs later and I’m still in awe of how something as simple as a haircut could turn my entire day and most importantly demeanor around….. I wanna sit in this feeling for awhile and learn to love it and comprehend what it truly means to be comfortable and secure with yourself…..I stressed a little on what he may say and how he may disapprove and be angry😶😶😶and my better mind also told me NOT to….if I don’t love me how the hell am I supposed to expect anybody else to come along and love me. All of me.. the right way…

I’m baaaaaacccccckkkkk

Smh…not sure where to begin with all the thoughts swirling through my mind… I have no clue where to stand or sit or focus to try to get a grasp on this thing. This chaos. This confusion. This tornado. My life… I’m literally at a stand still😒😒😒🤔🤔🤔but going through so many emotions…none which are beneficial to me and definitely not anyone around me….my mind, the good portion that traps “normal me” says pray☺️things will get better they have to😶the greater portion, this person I’m slowly transforming into says GIVE UP GIVE IN RUIN EVERYTHING IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER😞😞and yeah I know that’s not true BuT what is there to do when you’re stuck in a dark spot with a million and 1 things swirling around you and have no control or direction….nothing but fall apart?

Silly Little Me

I promised I wouldn’t be back in this place again…feeling disappointed for feeling the way I feel for knowing right from wrong apologizing when I don’t even owe an apology smh but that’s what a promise is for sheer comfort to a fool and that fool would be me… I shouldn’t be upset… I should be admiring Gods work, how everyday right before my eyes he’s showing me his amazing craft of building a life from what should’ve and almost was dust… I shouldn’t be angry at the thought of ur miseducation… I shouldn’t have to be forcing myself to pretend it doesn’t bother me BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT MATTER….smh…. Lord…..cover me please….and restore my peace of mind once again

Reminiscing 

As much as I wanna leave something inside keeps pulling me back forcing me to hold on trying to explain my past. Yeah I had my share of friends but never took it too far, just a night on the town and a much needed conversation. I took trips up North only for some security me and him never cause my heart is with you. True I roomed and boarded with another but we never made it under covers, I couldn’t comprehend grasping a new life with a stranger. I always intended to sit and explain this legal shit with you, I often prayed it would be over so I could be more than a lover so much more than a name. Babe it hurt to know you think I never did care and my first born ain’t your seed. I know I hurt you and over stand you got it in your head but please try to see in the same sense you hurt me too by neglecting me and depriving me from what we used to be but I’m in the wrong cause I should’ve remained in the shadows hoping and waiting for you to return to the way we once was boy I’ve never cheated or needed with them they just couldn’t amount to you baby you my world damn near like the air I breath could be why the Lord pulling us apart for me to open my eyes try to find some solid ground before I leap into another