Smh…not sure where to begin with all the thoughts swirling through my mind… I have no clue where to stand or sit or focus to try to get a grasp on this thing. This chaos. This confusion. This tornado. My life… I’m literally at a stand still😒😒😒🤔🤔🤔but going through so many emotions…none which are beneficial to me and definitely not anyone around me….my mind, the good portion that traps “normal me” says pray☺️things will get better they have to😶the greater portion, this person I’m slowly transforming into says GIVE UP GIVE IN RUIN EVERYTHING IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER😞😞and yeah I know that’s not true BuT what is there to do when you’re stuck in a dark spot with a million and 1 things swirling around you and have no control or direction….nothing but fall apart?
I promised I wouldn’t be back in this place again…feeling disappointed for feeling the way I feel for knowing right from wrong apologizing when I don’t even owe an apology smh but that’s what a promise is for sheer comfort to a fool and that fool would be me… I shouldn’t be upset… I should be admiring Gods work, how everyday right before my eyes he’s showing me his amazing craft of building a life from what should’ve and almost was dust… I shouldn’t be angry at the thought of ur miseducation… I shouldn’t have to be forcing myself to pretend it doesn’t bother me BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT MATTER….smh…. Lord…..cover me please….and restore my peace of mind once again
As much as I wanna leave something inside keeps pulling me back forcing me to hold on trying to explain my past. Yeah I had my share of friends but never took it too far, just a night on the town and a much needed conversation. I took trips up North only for some security me and him never cause my heart is with you. True I roomed and boarded with another but we never made it under covers, I couldn’t comprehend grasping a new life with a stranger. I always intended to sit and explain this legal shit with you, I often prayed it would be over so I could be more than a lover so much more than a name. Babe it hurt to know you think I never did care and my first born ain’t your seed. I know I hurt you and over stand you got it in your head but please try to see in the same sense you hurt me too by neglecting me and depriving me from what we used to be but I’m in the wrong cause I should’ve remained in the shadows hoping and waiting for you to return to the way we once was boy I’ve never cheated or needed with them they just couldn’t amount to you baby you my world damn near like the air I breath could be why the Lord pulling us apart for me to open my eyes try to find some solid ground before I leap into another
I think it’s pitiful that only when our life’s are being taken by the police do our people feel the need to riot rally and come together for visuals smh…where was the rally for change when my cousin was shot in the head by someone the same color as he “just” because the other guy was “tired of this nigga”? Where was the massive crowd and outrage after a grandmother was shot in her car by someone of the same color? Smh…. It hurts to see and even acknowledge we live in a world of soulless shells who would do these things but even sadder that we won’t hold our own kind, our black brothers accountable for what they’re doing daily in our neighborhoods but will chant black lives matter and hold signs looking for demanding justice when a white person kills a black person👀👀👀 what makes us killing us any different? I will admit I’m not a holy roller, but Lord knows I pray for this world, I pray for this hell on earth we call home. I pray that my sons, the little men I’ve been blessed to bring up will be able to grow into the Kings I’m raising them to be and be great to do great. I pray the same for my nephews and cousins. I pray that my daughters will be able to grow up into being queens and won’t have to watch or worry about if they get pulled over will they be killed and accused of things that aren’t true. I pray they won’t have to continue to hear or watch in the news how yet another black life was taken. Smh…. Lord we all must do better…before were extinct….
Life tried to sway me and throw me off the bridge BUT I’m still here. Sent a minion a nobody a confused shell of a man a follower a sheep in wolves skin to attempt to take my family from me thinking it would cause me to bend and be broken smh🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 try again. And although I’ve lost countless nights of sleep I’m still full of faith and love and overstand that this too like every other storm will past….
There once was a time I loved you and all and everything that was you…but not anymore. For so many years I’ve caught myself arguing with my better mind one screaming this isn’t love you idiot run skip hop jump whatever gives you motion do it FAST and get far away while the other rebuttals this “is” love and all it brings…truth of the matter is I never knew love. Never saw it growing up yet alone got it from the 1 person who should have loved me like no one else on this earth would…BUT what I am certain of, is this thing we’ve kept going on this game of charades that we play like champs for the world to see its not what I want and most importantly not what I need… For so long I’ve hated the way I look the way I walk the way I talk how I laugh 💩 everything that is and is in me only because you made me believe it was all wrong…not anymore. I’m done. Nowadays like today especially like today in this very moment I hate you… I hate the way you smile the way you talk the fact that “you need me” to handle things a “grown ass man” should know how to take care of, I hate that you find it ok to cheat BUT are too remedial to cheat with someone better than me I hate that you honestly believe I have no reason to feel the way that I feel I hate that you foolishly believe that I’m wrong for not trusting you in fact you’re dumb for even thinking I’m obligated to forgiving you and moving forward I hate that you “think” you love me I hate that you even “think” you know what love is and means I hate that we met I hate that I was so fucking blind to “the real you” way back from day 1 I hate that I gave up a better life to pursue this dark miserable hell on earth life I’m struggling to gain control of I hate the way you walk think look feel sleep and breath most importantly I hate that I’ve given you the power to force me in this mood…..
Went to the store today and a lady comes and taps me to tell me how well behaved my boys are👀👀👀they should be and thank you I tell her. Leaving out of the store she stops me again to tell me thank you for raising them to be well mannered 👀👀👀 to which I say thank you I’m supposed to….all the way home the only thing I could think was this…They will say please and thank you yes ma’am and no ma’am of course sir if needed. They will apply themselves in everything they set their minds to do and treat others with respect in order to give a blueprint of what they expect. They will tell the truth no matter the circumstances or pain it may cause cause I wouldn’t ever want them to hurt anyone’s child the way the man they look at as a dad does their mom. I was entrusted and blessed with the task this journey to see to it that they grow into kings and not these modern day versions of men. They will dress like they’ve been around the world and dined with the royals so sorry if you’re offended if they tilt their heads in confusion as you pass with ur ass crack showing. They will protect their sisters and stand for them so no man will attempt to test the waters and get over on ’em. They’ll appreciate the hard work and effort a woman puts into not only them but themselves as well. Even though the way society has screwed the youth into believing love is laying with and whispering secret misleading sweet nothings in any lil girls ear willing to spread their thighs my 2 will bypass these traps and overstand it takes a real man to commit to only 1 woman….