It took the Lord taking you away from me to see how beautiful I am, how capable I am how strong I can and will be… it took me losing everything to learn the importance of not putting any thing or person before him and to only depend and lean on him for every need want and anything in between… no none of this was planned and it’s nowhere near perfect or in order but stressing I’m able to vow to the man above I won’t do because I know if no one else has me he does, if no one else is for me he is therefore I won’t look down or waste time feeling sorry…. today and going forward I am going to let him lead and guide me and put all my trust in him….today I will love him the way he has loved me even when I didn’t love myself even while I’m learning to love myself…as I sit here in this place I fall to him and ask please forgive me for all my sins seen and unseen for my blessings I thank him for keeping us from harm danger trouble and fear I thank him and I ask humbly that he make this my season of growth, knowledge, prosperity, and love… I ask him to continue to hold me through this storm for I know no one else can see me through it but him and only him.
You can be so much for so many people and actually be there when no one else is no matter the time situation or day but when the tables flip and literally have no one but God above watching you and for you there’s absolutely no one else around for you… when I first started this blog it was for me to be able to vent and say the things I can’t say openly in private in public but secretly… idk if this is part of the grieving or part of the struggle of being down and almost not having anything but at moments i feel like it would be best if we just weren’t here…. I yank myself out of these thoughts quickly knowing it’s the devil things will get better this is just another storm another trial and a blessing is coming but God😩😩😩😩😩😩I don’t know what todo
Who can I turn to when I don’t know where our next meal is coming from, rather or not we’ll have a place of our to rest our heads, if the bills will be paid, the lights kept on, when I have to break down from All that’s been left to me to deal with on my own what do I do….. I don’t need a lesson in faith because that and only that is the only reason I’m able to go on every day with a smile and not show how I’m shattered but attempting to rebuild inside. Please forgive me to you readers who may skim across this I’m just venting and this platform is my outlet. My space to beat it all scream cry curse rant hate love retreat and everything in between…. who would’ve ever thunk this place that I’m sitting in right now alone missing my other half of 14 yrs the father of my kids my rock my shoulder my love would be my life…. my heart aches from the theft from the stupidity that took him and the pain and confusion my kids are feeling hiding it but I’m sure they’re feeling it🤦🏾♀️ Lord….. idk what this season is bringing but please hold and mold me to make it through this storm and make it yet another testimony😞
I don’t even know how to explain this space I’m in or how to maneuver through it. I’ve been here before when my grandma passed so that feeling of a chunk of my being being stolen isn’t new it’s hard to deal with and hard to accept but it is what it is….trying to move on…. I know I have to do it but I feel guilty. I’m stuck in this place where I’m pissed over all the lies the cheating the secrets the fact that he didn’t hold on for me for us he didn’t say goodbye or I love you he was just gone but then I’m hurt because I’m by myself we were supposed to do so much we were supposed to make it together for years through all the rough times my baby is hurting to her core and she’s trying to be tough for me but I know it’s tearing her up and I can’t do anything or say anything to help which makes me feel even more like a failure…there’s a new person attempting to ease in and make things better and paint memories and promises for the future but I get caught up in the guilt and feeling like he can’t be trusted I see the same ques in him that I felt in you….so what am i to do from here
What’s anxiety like you ask? …it’s like trying to prepare for a life threatening storm but being stopped at every 3rd step to answer where’s the charger, the toy, tell him to stop, hey you sit down,hey mom are you tired, why are you breathing so hard like you’re running👀👀BECAUSE along with everything mini second of demands being thrown at me, I feel like the air is being sucked out of me slowly… I’m trying to accept this eviction that no one knows we’re facing, keep my job in order to have some form of stability, keep up with not 1 but 4 other minds all while smiling and looking pretty😂 I pray stay filled with faith stay humble be grateful help when and where I can watch my words and facial expressions because those alone can cut a person down a size or 5 lol…. what’s anxiety?…. Anxiety is planning to get things in order but actually planning to go through EVERYthing that could possibly screw it up. It’s feeling uncomfortable around others because you’re not even comfortable within yourself. It’s the ability to look at yourself and pull out every flaw she has but not 1 quality worth preserving….hell is there 1 that even exists in she….she is me that much I’m certain of but what the definition of anxiety truly is🤔🤔🤔 I’ll have another answer tomorrow
I hate trusting people… I hate humbling myself enough to even utter will you or can you because it always leaves me disappointed mad as hell and embarrassed😞So what do I do now? Do I show up at your house since you won’t answer my calls and tell you everything I know will make you wanna kill your self, should I talk about you in social media and air all your secrets and leak the pictures, should I take everything that I know is mines and not show an ounce of concern for you……or just walk away and forget about you your lies this feeling and the entire situation?…going forward I’ll only worry about the here and now and consume myself with only the few who I can say I can definitely depend on. I’ve always thought it to be selfish to not care about certain things or people, or to not be there for them when they need🤷🏽♀️Not anymore….Thanks
Maybe if I start my business I can get out of this funk….if I lose weight I’ll feel prettt and feel better🤔🤔🤔he’ll want me..he’ll love me more and want me more….my dr says these pills will fix me😒😒😒I kind of wanna be like🤣to his face cause for the last going on 5 yrs I’ve been a test dummy…. Zoloft✔️ Lexapro✔️ Prozac✔️ Wellbutrin✔️ Abilify✔️Effexor✔️🤦🏾♀️ this is just as insane as the thoughts that rush through my mind….binge eating has become the highlight of my day😌that and having an empty silent house ALL to myself with no texts or calls interrupting the quiet…. I wonder if this is how my mom felt but decided to keep it hidden. I wonder if she left because “she” was ready and tired of feeling this way…. the way my sisters and I feel…empty sometimes. Rage often… hurt and lonely… angry and sad…extremely daring smh…that’s a day in my head..being me…BUT I’m attempting to PUSH on and not give in to this…..whatever it is