Lesson Learned

I hate trusting people… I hate humbling myself enough to even utter will you or can you because it always leaves me disappointed mad as hell and embarrassed😞So what do I do now? Do I show up at your house since you won’t answer my calls and tell you everything I know will make you wanna kill your self, should I talk about you in social media and air all your secrets and leak the pictures, should I take everything that I know is mines and not show an ounce of concern for you……or just walk away and forget about you your lies this feeling and the entire situation?…going forward I’ll only worry about the here and now and consume myself with only the few who I can say I can definitely depend on. I’ve always thought it to be selfish to not care about certain things or people, or to not be there for them when they need🤷🏽‍♀️Not anymore….Thanks

Ijdk

Maybe if I start my business I can get out of this funk….if I lose weight I’ll feel prettt and feel better🤔🤔🤔he’ll want me..he’ll love me more and want me more….my dr says these pills will fix me😒😒😒I kind of wanna be like🤣to his face cause for the last going on 5 yrs I’ve been a test dummy…. Zoloft✔️ Lexapro✔️ Prozac✔️ Wellbutrin✔️ Abilify✔️Effexor✔️🤦🏾‍♀️ this is just as insane as the thoughts that rush through my mind….binge eating has become the highlight of my day😌that and having an empty silent house ALL to myself with no texts or calls interrupting the quiet…. I wonder if this is how my mom felt but decided to keep it hidden. I wonder if she left because “she” was ready and tired of feeling this way…. the way my sisters and I feel…empty sometimes. Rage often… hurt and lonely… angry and sad…extremely daring smh…that’s a day in my head..being me…BUT I’m attempting to PUSH on and not give in to this…..whatever it is

SOS

I can only stand strong and be mindful of and for others for so long… I’m human. I can break and I can need and take time to myself for myself without feeling guilty…Right? This is what I keep drowning out in my head as I try to pretend to by everything everyone I’ve ever encountered in life bestowed on me to be… this all is a weight an unmeasurable amount of weight that I can not escape or be rid of permanently like I want to be. Torn between should I stay and see what will change with him or move on with him since he says he loves me but shows me I’m just a tool. Am I being a good mom to them, am I evil like my momma was and lashing out for the wrong things or am I right for disciplining them…. I pray for a sign that stepping away and for me will be what I need. The fresh start to starting over and finding me and loving me and not having a constant void needing to be filled🤦🏾‍♀️ I wish I could just 📦 this shit all up and throw it in the ocean and never be bothered with any of it again