Went to the store today and a lady comes and taps me to tell me how well behaved my boys are👀👀👀they should be and thank you I tell her. Leaving out of the store she stops me again to tell me thank you for raising them to be well mannered 👀👀👀 to which I say thank you I’m supposed to….all the way home the only thing I could think was this…They will say please and thank you yes ma’am and no ma’am of course sir if needed. They will apply themselves in everything they set their minds to do and treat others with respect in order to give a blueprint of what they expect. They will tell the truth no matter the circumstances or pain it may cause cause I wouldn’t ever want them to hurt anyone’s child the way the man they look at as a dad does their mom. I was entrusted and blessed with the task this journey to see to it that they grow into kings and not these modern day versions of men. They will dress like they’ve been around the world and dined with the royals so sorry if you’re offended if they tilt their heads in confusion as you pass with ur ass crack showing. They will protect their sisters and stand for them so no man will attempt to test the waters and get over on ’em. They’ll appreciate the hard work and effort a woman puts into not only them but themselves as well. Even though the way society has screwed the youth into believing love is laying with and whispering secret misleading sweet nothings in any lil girls ear willing to spread their thighs my 2 will bypass these traps and overstand it takes a real man to commit to only 1 woman….
This life I’m living gets so hard and overwhelming and makes me feel so uneasy at times BUT when I look at my babies and see they’re not needing or wanting for anything I feel like I’m doing something right. My time here this far has not been wasted. I’ve put in the work and time love and effort to see to it that they get more than I did from my momma. All the I love yous laughter goofy times and all explanation when things are going wrong so they’ll understand and not be confused or feel like I did growing up or even now…. I pray the Lord continues to bless me and them with many many countless more years together… No matter how lonely or lost I feel. I’m loving this life I was given
I’m tired of being alone….pretending to want somebody I have no interest in only settling for just to avoid any conflict or new circumstances… I wanna be wrapped up in somebody’s arms at the end of the day when the kids are all asleep and the lights are out I wanna be kissed on softly as I listen to his heartbeat while laying on his chest… I want love. I want love to be made to me every night before I close my eyes to sleep… I wanna wake up to him making love to me hold me and call me your baby like you never wanna let go like if this was ur last minute and breathe on earth this is exactly how you’d want to spend it and would be happy to have had this moment be the last for all eternity
You tell me you love and wanna rebuild yet you tear me down attempting to remind me of how insecure and offset I am as if I’m on the outside looking in from around the corner being told by a third party as if I’m not living in it and know first hand😒😒😒😒 You call me up and stay on my line pinging these towers for hours on end conversing about the most mundane things like what you ate what you thought you were going to eat your homeboy being mad an episode of Mike Tysons cartoon etc.for goodness sake but when I grace this keyboard to vent and ask 1 simple question😒😒😒I’m staring at ⏱⏲⏳⌛️⏳⌛️⏳ shit I might as well go have me a 🚬 (and I don’t even smoke😳)..
At some point during everyday I often question what am I living for what am I trying for what am I waiting for yet another day…..the only answer I have to give myself is for my kids…. Being loyal and forgiving and loving and smiling when I wanna just break down and cry and fuck up everything within reach has quickly torn me into pieces… I’m just so fucking tired and drained….. Sometimes death seems so sweet to think about… At least I wouldn’t be in this constant pain at least I wouldn’t be lonely at least I wouldn’t be lied to and played with and taken advantage of made fun of talked about or made to look like a fool… Lord please guide me through this so I can be me again so I can be whole again without the constant need or want of this piece of shit waste of flesh poor excuse of a man….my heart is dead and I’m finally and completely numb… And I’m “now” praying for the strength to walk away and be able to stand on my own without his recognition help or opinion… I’m ready to live again… With no limitations. I’m ready to be happy forever… With no cares or concerns of who’s watching without hiding or second guessing moments.. I am ready to be free from him and all the inconsistencies lies torture cheating and feelings that have led me to believe I’m not worth more
Throughout the course of my days I go from being stressed out to overwhelmed confused to angry rushed to methodical depressed to happy proud to sad and the biggest feeling as though I’m not going to make it through I can’t it’s too much I wanna give up I have to give up cause I ain’t gon make it…..and then I reach this moment. When everyone is full happy content resting and sleeping in peace and comfortable ….and I can’t I won’t make a step without telling the Lord thank you for getting me through yet another day for giving me the patience and strength and love and sheer blessing of making it through the day with all and everything handed to me. I won’t ever be ungrateful because I know from living the next day hour hell the next breath ain’t guaranteed so I fall down humble and say thank you Lord….
I married this man a decade ago…and he still loves me like the first day we met…. I left this man a decade ago had kids and built a life with another…..and he’s waited for me every second minute hour day month and year to return… I no longer carry the frame barely even the silhouette of the young lady that I was back then but he still makes love to me as if it were our first time all over again…on those days I don’t feel like being bothered and I’m just angry for nothing he stills knows how to make me laugh and see the brightness where I was attempting to shield it from…. I don’t know where this new chapter this fixing what’s been broken for years will take us but what I do know is I’m thankful he’s waited this long…and it won’t be in vain❤️